Nearly gone.
It seems so long ago now, a whole lifetime has gone by since then. I miss our phone conversations, I miss having someone who understands that side of me. The dark nearly impenetrable side that although a minority is ever present. The thing I’ve retained most is your smell , I will be wondering around in my every day life and I’ll catch a whiff of it on the air. It’s from Zara I seem to remember you telling me, we threatened to call it ‘Chris’ smell’ and you threatened to stop wearing it. I wonder if this is your way of telling me your still here, watching me. I don’t believe but since you died I find myself hoping for something more, something out there.
I remember what happened when we saw each other , I remember your hands. I remember how your kisses used to make me feel but I don’t remember how they felt. That’s a small mercy I suppose because I feel like they would haunt me.
Yet , it feels like you’ve never left. In my subconscious it feels like you are on the end of the phone. I think that’s because to keep myself sane I kept on talking to you, talking to your picture so now I guess your just a figment of my imagination. I’ve been able to block out the bad things and only remember the good things. Like the picture in my wallet, that was a good day. I haven’t even changed that much since then, looks wise anyway. If only I could talk to the me from back then.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be friends after you chose to be with Hannah and not me, I know you never loved me like you loved her but I do know you cared about me but that she was a world consuming passion. I wish I had stayed friends with you, I wish I had been grown up enough to overcome that but I know I am now. I could always bring you back from the edge from that darkest of dark places. If i hadn’t of been so stupid I could have saved you.
I miss you even now, but I can talk about you without crying. Why did you have to leave me ? Your parents? Your friends? I do know why you did it , I just don’t know why you didn’t remember about all the people that do care about you. Yes present tense.
Your ashes are somewhere , part of the atoms of the universe just like my bones were once stars. All I can do is lie on the grass and feel like part of the universe, feel like your holding me.
I’ll be missing you . Always.
