Porcelain Waves

We all do them, but how many of us actually keep to them ? A very small percentage I would guess. However if I don’t take control of my life now , when will I ? My life will just continue as a an endless cycle of promises that I make to myself and then break. 

1. No more one night stands. They may be fun but they are bad for your soul and you know that.

2.Do all your essays before hand and stop leaving them till the night before. If you don’t stop doing this you are never going to reach your full potential.

3.Go to your seminars. Your lecturers are going to hate you if you don’t.

4. Let them do the chasing. Yes this may lead to a year of spinsterhood but this is also probably good for you.

5. Stick to your diet to combat IBS and coeliacs. Because there are lots of reasons for you to, mainly to avoid being sterile, lactose intolerant and permanently damaging your bowel. 

6.Find time every day for your creative writing. How are you ever going to be a writer if you don’t make yourself write through the blocks ?

7. Do exercise at least twice a week. Pick the  exercise clubs you want to join and stick to them for the rest of the year.

8. Stop getting so drunk you do very stupid things. It’s not funny, it’s not cool and yet you still persist in doing it . Why????????

9.Keep your room tidy.

10. Gain sufficient sponsorship to climb Kilimanjaro for child reach international. It’s going to be hard but you need more reasons to be proud of yourself.  

There they are. All down on paper. Now to stick to them.

The searched for will never be found.

Once all hope has been lost

and you have resolved to live your life

without it.
It comes.

I’m waiting for you intrigue,

I’m longing for you passion.

That electric shock

that develops the timing

of the difficult.

The stolen looks,

the fiery touch.

I want that passion

that just can’t make it past the stairs

(again)

Dear Lord,

Send me someone who can handle my crazy,

you made me like this after all.

Surely there are some perks?

Ah-men

I refresh my inbox around a hundred times a day.

I know that you are working twenty hour days and have no time to sleep let alone anything else and yet I can’t stop myself hoping. I feel like blocking all of my emails from Facebook because I get a false sense of hope and excitement, only to be disappointed.

All these women keep on commenting on your wall and I know you have slept with at least a couple of them, probably more. Then I remind myself that the comments are all complaining that you didn’t come and say goodbye to them before you left and you came and said a very special goodbye to me, twice.

There is so much to keep me busy here, I should be doing one of my four essays tonight and instead I’m writing this to you. Well, indirectly to you because I’m not going to send it. I wouldn’t want to seem crazy or obsessive or anything. I do wish you would reply to my letter, then I wouldn’t feel quite so unsure. I know this is ridiculous. I know I am being ridiculous. Yet somehow in a strange way I enjoy the ridiculousness, I enjoy imagining where you are and what you are doing. There is so much I want to tell you, so much that has been going on.

 For now I’ll just imagine your adventures, write to you

and send the letters floating off into the air.

Today I opened my eyes and thought

I really am going crazy.

Then I remembered,

If your crazy you think your sane.

So it’s possible

that I am only just coming back to reality

(regaining my sanity)

After a long holiday abroad.

I’ve done things I’m not proud of, stupid things that seem to have no reason behind them at all. All I can do is apologise, move on and never let my vision get as clouded as that ever again. Aspire to be better, because I am better than that. Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don’t quit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIADdtY9pQA&p=9D50C983EBF89302&index=6&playnext=3

 I’m addicted to the idea of love,

delving into that part where no one else goes.

I love so much and so often that I begin to wonder

whether it is love at all or am I just infatuated with your moment.

To cover up my own insecurities do I just take in the idea of being loved ?

Because it doesn’t matter if they are male or female,

they just have to be broken.

I love to make you love me but I very rarely end up not loving you.

Don’t you feel the same way too?

 I sit with my back against yours

to close my eyes and listen.

Did I inspire these scores?

Is the beauty of this the brevity,

the honest agreement to nothing.

…………………………………………………

Is it possible to love you with these breaths

and exhale you with the next?

We have skipped the steps

And landed in the middle

Does that mean it’s nearly the end?

……………………………………………….

You smile and I think

why is this me ?

Your enough to change the worlds mind

I never had a chance you see

Just little ol’ me

…………………………………………………………..

For this moment,my soul is stark

 I’m determined to possess you

Climb inside and make my mark 

You’re going to break my heart.

And I’m just going to walk right into it. 

It seems so long ago now, a whole lifetime has gone by since then. I miss our phone conversations, I miss having someone who understands that side of me. The dark nearly impenetrable side that although a minority is ever present. The thing I’ve retained most is your smell , I will be wondering around in my every day life and I’ll catch a whiff of it on the air. It’s from Zara I seem to remember you telling me, we threatened to call it ‘Chris’ smell’ and you threatened to stop wearing it. I wonder if this is your way of telling me your still here, watching me. I don’t believe but since you died I find myself hoping for something more, something out there.

I remember what happened when we saw each other , I remember your hands. I remember how your kisses used to make me feel but I don’t remember how they felt. That’s a small mercy I suppose because I feel like they would haunt me. 

Yet , it feels like you’ve never left. In my subconscious it feels like you are on the end of the phone. I think that’s because to keep myself sane I kept on talking to you, talking to your picture so now I guess your just a figment of my imagination. I’ve been able to block out the bad things and only remember the good things. Like the picture in my wallet, that was a good day. I haven’t even changed that much since then, looks wise anyway. If only I could talk to the me from back then.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be friends after you chose to be with Hannah and not me, I know you never loved me like you loved her but I do know you cared about me but that she was a world consuming passion. I wish I had stayed friends with you, I wish I had been grown up enough to overcome that but I know I am now. I could always bring you back from the edge from that darkest of dark places. If i hadn’t of been so stupid I could have saved you.

I miss you even now, but I can talk about you without crying. Why did you have to leave me ? Your parents? Your friends? I do know why you did it , I just don’t know why you didn’t remember about all the people that do care about you. Yes present tense.

Your ashes are somewhere , part of the atoms of the universe just like my bones were once stars. All I can do is lie on the grass and feel like part of the universe, feel like your holding me.

I’ll be missing you . Always.